Do you find yourself trying so hard to go to sleep but you can't keep regrets and memories at bay? I do...often. Sometimes I even say "no" out loud thinking that will end the tide. For some reason this season, painful moments when I've been lonely are coming up. I keep saying "release", "release". What else can you do but let them go. There's nothing I can do about them now. I can't change those moments. It doesn't serve me to linger. I never want to go back there again.
1. Sitting amongst my whole family and feeling so alone (odd gal out).
2. Lingering way too long in Ballard, drinking wine, in my 40s, unattached, way past my hay day.
3. Being at the Crocodile Café where I spent my 20s but I am no longer that age.
4. Working at EMP where everyone seems to keep talking about me in the past..."I remember your show in 199...., "I saw you way back in the day". Wait I'm not dead yet.
5. A dark period where I hung out with men who were odd, mean and/or just as lonely as me.
6. Alone in the house I bought in 2004 post break up.
7. Working at my first corporate job. I went from rock star to getting yelled at about handbag colors.
8. After a break up, calling my 8th grade boyfriend, who dumped me the day after I first ever had sex, yes true, in a last ditch effort to feel better somehow. Not sure how that would help.
9.Drifting through happy hours at corporate jobs with co workers I had nothing in common with. They spent their 20s in college and jobs. I spent mine in a van/touring.
10. In my own home post my mothers death.
I don't why this flood gate is open. Maybe that is what the holidays do some times. Maybe it's this cold I have that is wearing me down. Maybe I'm just releasing. I just know that when one enters my mind I think "oh no you don't" because once it starts it's hard to stop it. Work in progress.
Love to all you stinkers! Hugs too.