All I Do to Me is Talk Talk
At the very last day of 2019 my music manager decided to get out of the business. At first I was defeated after a year of many confrontations and rough run ins. It really gave me pause. I had been so excited thinking I had finally found a partner and off we would go. But not to be.
Instead of imploding and that was tempting, I have taken on the work of setting up and go after the things on my list. It's turned about to be really good for me. More lessons. Like TIME MANAGEMENT and recognizing how quickly I can exhaust my own self with the inner dialogue, working out of things, trying, striving and deciding. I'm worn out already and it's only January 26th!
I got a little worried this week thinking, oh no, you just aren't up for it. You can't handle it and are too tired. I couldn't find my head from ass up until this morning when it dawned on my that it's just the story I'm telling myself. I can tell myself you can't handle doing all that you want or I can say get better at saying no to things and commit, recommit daily to doing what you want.
I've had a quick deluge of asks and I wanted this. Good problem to have, right? It's now a matter of discerning which asks and offers I really want, what can wait (trust that waiting is ok) and which are not directions I want to go in. I don't have to say yes to everything.
For instance, yes I want to do my own radio show someone asked me to do but it may have to wait to get started until this weeks show is over. Yes, I want to coach but I don't want to hand out my time to only free sessions. No, I don't want to do that show.
My head really did explode this week. All I do is talk talk in my head! I can wear myself out like nothing. I lose track of the vision. I lose track of the intuitive feeling that I use as my guiding light. I get so worried trying to take care of everything that I go numb. I foresee not having the current job I have by this summer and I don't know what job I'll get or where it will be. I know I want to be closer to home but will there be a job that fits? What will happen to our bills? Should I just keep working in Seattle and slowly die by commute?? That commute is a bitch! 3-4 hours a day! Who are all these people? Where did they come from? It's often that I never break 40mph on my way in and back! Ok tangent. Breathe. You can see the issue here right? This isn't the half of what is flying round in here.
So today, I've decided to change my story. I am able to be this working musician. I will get coaching clients that pay. Things will work out in the summer and if it gets financially rough an answer will come to me. Open up. Be nimble. Get rest. Know your boundaries. Say yes. Say no. Figure out which is which. Keep your eye on the dream you're having Trust and faith. Trust and faith. Trust and faith. Oh yeah and hard work!
Over and out my loves! I gotta go to bed. Tomorrow, back to the journey.
PS: Talk Talk _ The Party's Over - listened to while writing this. It's one of the best records ever!!!!!